ONe Liners

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

Over self-confidence is equal to being blind.

Think of the danger while things are going smoothly.

Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.

Joys are often the shadows, cast by sorrows.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot.

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewellery.

See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.

Your smile has the power to extinguish others' gloom.

You cannot be expected to give more than you have.

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

My neighbour has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

History is the science of what never happens twice.

The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.

Stop searching forever; happiness is just next to you.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Your ability to find the silly in the serious will take you far.

Every woman is at heart a mother; every man is at heart a bachelor.

It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size.

Genius does what it must, and talent does what it can.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

I think...therefore I am confused.

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

All good things must come to an end; I just want to know when they start!

Keep your plans secret for now.

Junk mail arrives the day it is sent.

The early worm deserves the bird.

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got.

Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill.

The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.

The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.

The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me.

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

A one track mind often has a derailed train of thought.

The best thing about the present tense is that it lasts forever.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

My marriage is made of trust & understanding; She doesn't trust me & I don't understand her!

My income seems to be the only thing I can't live without or within.

Tough times don't last, but tough people do

Be God or let God.

Eternity is a terrible thought, where will it all end.

Crime is merely politics without the excuses.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Love is photogenic, it needs darkness to develop.

Eternity is a terrible thought, where'll it all end.

My son has taken up meditation, at least it's better than sitting doing nothing.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.

We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future.

I'm an atheist! I swear to God I am!

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Don't just learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate!

Humor is to life what shock absorbers are to an automobile.

Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.

God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins.

People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future

Crime does not pay as well as politics.

Ability is a gud thing but stability is even better.

Being popular is important, otherwise people might not like U.

The man who says he's boss at home is lying, single or just plain stupid.

It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.

You simply must stop taking other people's advice.

Women aren't that bad, but wives...!

Your lucky number is 6478389077163. Watch for it everywhere.

If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fart.

Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded

A good scare is worth more than good advice.

I've never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.

I'm a killer, I kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!

We do precision guesswork.

Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.

Have a nice day... somewhere else

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Most people like hard work. Particularly when they are paying for it.

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

Prejudice can save lots of time, because you can form an opinion without any facts.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'. -- Hal Eaton

Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
Partick Moore

The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girlfriend who is totally free for the weekends.

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? ... Congress!

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. -- Clinton aide

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

More than one mouse is mice; more than one spouse is spice.

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.Yawn is an honest opinion openly expressed.

A fool and his money stabilize the economy.

Even experienced public speakers get butterflies. The trick is to make them fly in formation.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

Opportunities are never lost. The other person takes them.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

A fool and his words are soon parted.

No matter what you do, you'll never run away from you. 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Don't worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.

My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

Where there's a will, there's an attorney.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!

A man is incomplete until he has married. Then he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why.


Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!

Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head. Sometimes when I reflect back
on all the wine I drink I feel shamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I
didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver." Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you  are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When  we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

April 1.  This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. Mark Twain

April fool, n.  The March fool with another month added to his folly.

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
Heinrich Heine

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
Plato

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.

A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.

What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girlfriend who is totally free for the weekends.

The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns.
Herman Wouk

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.
Yogi Berra

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.
Mae West

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who
watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Al Capone (Hollywood)

I want a one-armed economist so that the guy could never make a statement and then say 'on the other hand…'
Harry Truman

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'.
Hal Eaton

The number of registered vehicles in Delhi is more than the sum total of registered vehicles in Mumbai, Calcutta, and Chennai.

Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion. (Hollywood)
Madonna

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Benny Hill

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'.
For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. Joan Rivers

I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
Stefan Bergman

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had, so he sent me to a girls school.
Jack Herbert

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Greg Norman

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief
amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible. PJ O'Rourke(Motor Raids)

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
HL Mencken.

The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Bob Rubin (health)

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

If a lump of soot falls into the soup and you cannot conveniently get it out, stir it well in and it will
give the soup a French taste. Jonathan Swift (food)

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
(Motor raid)

MacDonalds in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbour. SI Hayakawa (food)

I have no political ambitions for myself or my children.
Joseph P. Kennedy, 1936

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found.   Calvin Trillin  (food)

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
George Bernard Shaw

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox

In 1933, Mickey Mouse is believed to have received 800,000 fan letters.

We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.) Sign on door of repair shop.

Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.